2 Years

People handle grief in different ways. For me, it's always denial first.

I remember two years ago I was on our white van with my mother and their was a chilling silence in the car. She had just picked me up from a girl scout event and was taking me home. I knew that Courtney wasn't doing well, but as in every instance I was hoping that her life had been prolonged somehow. But that wasn't the case. She told me that Courtney had past away and I couldn't even cry. I couldn't even look my mom dead in the eyes and tell her how I felt, I was so heartbroken.

Courtney was a young girl who loved everyone with all of her heart, and I felt like absolute garbage for not repaying her for all she did for me. Every Sunday we would sit on the couches in the youth wing, or in the chairs and just casually chat and laugh with each other like it wasn't a big deal. She always had a bottle of Gatorade and her Bible, in a blue and pink bible-holder purse looking thing. I remember her glasses, her shoulder length blonde hair. She usually wore a headband, too. She had such a love for music and a love for others that was beyond what I can even convey. Almost every day after school she would text me an ask me if we could Skype, and most days I'd say yes. But some nights I'd be too busy, and that's what I really regret. I know she wasn't too hurt by it, but I regret all those moments I neglected to spend time with her, because now I can't get them back. She loved the Preds. She loved the Titans.

Although she didn't look the same as the rest of us, she was the best representation I have ever seen of what God calls us to do. She fought through so much in her lifetime, and I wish I would have got to see her live longer. In her time she was here, though, she gave me unforgettable memories.

I vividly remember that Sunday after she passed away, the youth wing was filled with gloom. We were all hurting, because Courtney had effected all of us. Matt Sands encouraged us to share our stories about her and I remember sobbing the whole time. If you are apart of our youth group, you'd know how lighthearted and casual we usually are, but in that moment I knew how closely knit we were and how much we all mean to each other.

Her funeral was literally two months before I lost my mom, and I will never forget it.

I remember so many people from youth being there, and I was sitting right next to mom. Looking back on it, it's almost haunting to know that the next time I'd attend a funeral it would be for the woman who held me in her own arms. Everyone who spoke did so eloquently, and the slideshow of videos and pictures is what tore me up. I didn't know Courtney until much later on into her life, so to see a little spunky girl jamming to High School Musical, or dancing with her sister, it brought tears to my eyes.

And there's a painting of her on one of the walls in the children's wing. It's a very subtle tribute, but sometimes that's all that's necessary. I walk past almost every Sunday just to remind of her. Sometimes I wish she'd jump out of the painting on the wall and walk alongside me, but I know that it never will. I still feel her presence, though, along with my mom. 

Two years may not sound like a lot, yet it has felt like the longest time of my life. I don't know if they have bowling leagues up in heaven, Courtney, but if they do I hope you are the one scoring all the strikes. I miss you.

Love always,

Allison.