I Always Thought She'd Be There

I remember my mother told me on our first day of kindergarten, she spent part of it crying in the bathtub. She didn't know what to do without us there.

Well, a week from Sunday I move into my college dorm, and I always thought she'd be the one there for me then, crying, too. I guess that's kind of weird to say. You know, I wouldn't want her to be crying... I just wanted her to be there.

My mom was such a pivotal part of my life, especially when it came to education. She was the one attending all the parent-teacher conferences, packing our lunches for us in the morning, making breakfast, running through flashcards with us to help us study, those kinds of things.

In my mind growing up, going to college would be like every other scene out of a movie. The family piles into a van with the stuff loaded to the brim, they drive to the college, set up the dorm, say their goodbyes holding back tears. The parents glance back at their child in the rear-view mirror beaming with pride. I guess that was just too picture-esque.

If she was here, we would have driven to Johnson City in her white van and started off the road trip with a stop at McDonald's so she could get her 1$ sweet tea and sausage biscuit. We would have the air conditioning cranked up and the Big 98 Country blasting over the speakers. She probably would have shared what it was like when she moved in to her dorm, and what it was like living in Knoxville. My mom had a way with words that was hard to describe. Everything she did made me feel at peace.

I remember one time, when I was about 11, we were cleaning out the garage. There were some old Halloween costumes that I wore when I was younger that my mom was planning on giving away or getting rid of. For some reason, that prompted me to cry. I told her that I was scared of growing up and I didn't want her to get rid of those costumes. She just held me in her arms and told me that it was going to be okay. She said if one of the neighbors saw me crying to just tell them I had dust in my eyes from cleaning. I would like to think that going off to college is something like that.

And I'm not saying those who are going to help me move in won't make that moment special, but I can't help but think about my mom. So much of my life I had dreamed of that day: who would be there, what it would feel like. I'd do anything to have her hug me in her arms one last time. Especially right now when everything seems so difficult to process and the world seems so vast. I'd love to just call her up and tell her about my day like we always used talk about in the car after club meetings. Sometimes we'd stop for ice cream.

All of the college-student moms have flooded their Facebooks with pictures of their child sitting on their dorm room bed, smiling or waving. But the only activity on my mom's Facebook feed is when I decide to tag her in old pictures I find.

I know she's still proud of me, proud of all of us, for getting to this point. Hunter practically skipped freshman year and became a sophomore, Justin has transferred to MTSU after using the TN Promise, and Keri will be at Cumberland with plans to be a Special Ed major. I'll be thinking of you in my science classes, mom, wishing you were here so I could ask you for help.

I'll be strong for you, mom.